A Stupid, Worthless Boy
by Kitty Kat
Summary: He was forgotten, his destiny predetermined by a mistake from his past. He found her during a time when she thought everyone deserved a chance. Can their fling survive everything the world will throw at them? EmmaDean.
1. Believe in Me

A Stupid, Worthless Boy Summary: Emma/Dean. Don't write it off. Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Degrassi. "A Stupid, Worthless Boy" is Blink 182 lyrics from "Story of a Lonely Guy."  
  
A/N: Please don't kill me just yet. This is an odd idea that came to me after playing dolls with the girl I baby-sit. She was the perfect animal loving girl, Emma, and I was the bad boy turned monster, Dean. I was like... whoa, Degrassi-ness. So this needs to be written so that I can be happy. The only reason I'm posting it is that I want to see how the viewing public will respond.  
  
Chapter 1: Believe in Me  
  
Emma sat solitary on the steps of the courthouse. She was still debating fervently whether or not she should leave. Despite their patched last few months, Emma still owed a great deal to Manny Santos, her best friend. She silently cursed Chris again for having to help his cousin in the studio today of all days. She knew how important it was to him, but damnit, didn't he care about her at all?  
  
She looked hopelessly at the only other figure out in the cold, Canadian morning. He was only a handful of yards away, but she could make out barely more than his outline in the dense fog. She knew she shouldn't have gotten here so early with only coffee to accompany her. He was pacing and her subtle glances showed that he was decked out in a brand new suit. He was either a very young lawyer, or he was facing a judge. She knew that it was most likely the latter since his appearance was uncanny to Spinner only a few months earlier after he was arrested for a DUI. She hadn't actually gone to the court proceedings, but after he was cleared because of an error in the breathalyzer, Paige had happily shown everyone pictures of her and Spinner in the courtroom. Leave it to Paige to take pictures at someone's DUI trial.  
  
Her thoughts began roaming after she opened the "Paige" can of worms. After everything she's done, it was Emma's first reaction to be glad Paige got raped. She got what was coming to her. Then, Emma cringed for thinking it. Of course no one deserves to be raped. It's a horrible thought, but as much as Emma tried to push it away, it lingered in the back of her head. Then, Manny came out with the news that Dean raped her, also. Looking back on it, Emma wondered why she hadn't had the same thought about Manny that she had about Paige. Manny was less conservative than Paige in her dress, and Manny could whip out insults like the best of them. Maybe somewhere in the back of her optimistic mind, Emma believed that Manny would never change from her seventh grade self. That was why she was here. Manny didn't deserve being raped, and neither did Paige.  
  
She found herself staring again, although it was not a conscious effort. Her eyes needed to go somewhere, and he was the only moving thing within eyeshot. He got close enough so that she noticed that his eyes were directed at her, too. She shyly but quickly averted her gaze. After that, she heard a sharp, forced laugh and felt her cheeks flush. Something about him was so undeniably attractive to her. There was something about the way his eyes pierced through her, reading her, making her suddenly doubt every opinion she's ever had. The warm liquid that she had bought merely minutes before was half gone, and the remaining half had been chilled because of the cold December air. She wanted nothing more than to run into a heated building and never leave, but she couldn't leave this figure on the steps alone. The look of utter abandonment in his eyes chilled her more than any wind could. She wondered how powerful he was that he could be the center of all her thoughts after a mere glance.  
  
It seemed like an eternity before he sat down next to her. "I've been thinking for about five minutes what I could say to you that wouldn't be corny, and that's what I came up with," he said clumsily. Emma smiled although the 'pick-up line' (if it could be called that) was weak at best. "When I first saw you, I envied your coffee so much. I've wanted to come ask for a drink since then, but, if I were you, I'd wonder what this freak is doing asking to drink my coffee when he doesn't even know me. I wouldn't let me either."  
  
"You can have some," she said hurriedly. "I'm just not sure you'd want any. It's gotten colder after the past twenty minutes."  
  
"I'll take my chances," he said with an odd sparkle in his eyes. She rolled her eyes dramatically before handing over the lukewarm cup. "Thank you!" he said exasperating after a long drink. She shook her hands when he tried to hand it back. "Thanks," he mumbled. They sat in a strangely genuine and non- stressed silence. The boy leaned back against the step behind him. Emma sat with her arms around her knees, her hands playing with her shoes. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.  
  
She turned around. "About what?"  
  
"Why you're here."  
  
"Oh, it's not, I'm not... I'm here for a friend. A friend of mine had some stuff happen to her and they're pressing charges."  
  
"They?" he asked.  
  
"Oh," she said, not realizing she had slipped. "Yea. It happened to this other girl first, and after awhile, she started a stink about it. Then, my friend came out and said the same thing happened to her."  
  
"Oh," he said. "I'm sorry for your friend."  
  
"You know, I don't even feel like I should be here. I've only heard their side of the story. I mean, these girls, although one is my friend, are notorious liars. I don't even know if I can trust them. I want to, but I don't know. I should leave." Emma stayed seated though, perplexed as to where all these words were coming from. She wasn't even aware she was thinking these things.  
  
"For what it's worth, I don't want you to leave. I'm going to have a trial that will decide the fate of my life, and surprisingly, when I'm talking to you, I don't feel like hanging myself."  
  
"Funny, I usually have the opposite effect," Emma joked.  
  
He laughed, but it wasn't forced. It was real. She wasn't quite sure when the last time she had heard a real laugh was. He checked his watch and jumped up. "I have to go run over everything again with my lawyer. You made me forget. Not saying that's a bad thing. But, seriously, she'll come looking for me if I don't go right now. I need to see you again."  
  
Emma took the last line as a shock. Every ounce of morality in her body screamed at her: Chris! This is a boy you just met! Do you remember the internet rapist? Are you a moron? For Christ's sake, he's a felon! She ignored and avoided the thoughts at all cost as she dug through her purse. Her fingers shook as she scribbled her cell phone number on the back of a receipt. "I'm Emma, by the way," she said as her hand slipped into his. Their fingers lingered for a few seconds longer than normal. "I missed your name."  
  
"I'll be calling you soon," he said and took off down the stairs. She figured he must've missed her last statement. She sighed and spun around in the slightly warmer air that was a direct cause of the sun inching its way towards its midday spot. The last thing she wanted to do was sit through a rape trial. She felt her legs carry her towards downtown Toronto, and she easily got swept into the morning crowd.  
  
A little girl lost. 


	2. There’s No Anecdote for Irony

A Stupid, Worthless Boy  
  
A/N: Well, I'm getting a wider variety of audience. That's good, right? Haha enjoy chapter 2. For those of you expecting my TBD sequel, um... wait patiently. I shall deliver. This is short, too, and I'm sorry but, blah, I only have one story line going on right now. So, I'll make them longer as more time passes.  
  
Chapter 2: There's No Anecdote for Irony  
  
Emma didn't know where she was going, but she knew she wasn't going home. She walked around a local mall for a few hours. She fingered the piece of paper of the studio Chris was at, knowing he expected her there when the trial was done. She checked her watch, glad it was only 1 P.M. and that he didn't realistically expect her until around 5. The trial was probably going to last a few days, each day getting out around 5.  
  
She treated herself to a new outfit at the expense of her babysitting money. "It's so weird; I have to buy everything I need now. Every spare cent that isn't being spent on the bare minimum of food for Jack is being saved up for Snake. I can't even get my mom to get me a decent pair of jeans," she had complained to Manny just a few days prior.  
  
She sighed at the thought and Manny's response. "That must be how Sean feels." Thinking of Sean always grounded her, brought her to a bad place in her subconscious. Sean was a mistake, one she'd never make again, but she missed someone understanding her, actually getting her.  
  
She'd give it all up to once again hear the words, "Emma, I understand you. I feel with you. I'm here for you." She massaged her temples at a table in the food court since she felt the distinct pangs of a headache forming. She groaned when her cell phone started going off. She didn't care to play the guessing game since she really had no idea who it could be. She looked at the caller ID box but didn't recognize the number.  
  
"Hello," she answered with her confident tone. Her best guess was that it was Chris at the studio calling from their number.  
  
"Emma?" the voice asked.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Hey, I just got cleared of all the charges!" the voice said triumphantly.  
  
"Who is this?" she asked, but she knew. She would know that voice anywhere; she just needed to know a name.  
  
"You're saying you don't remember me? Come on, we only met a few hours ago," he said in a mock hurt tone.  
  
"Well, I've given my number to at least half a dozen strangers today, so..."  
  
"Very funny, Em," he said interrupting her. "Are you still around town?"  
  
"Actually, yes I am. I'm sitting in a food court in the middle of the mall right now."  
  
"Really? What're you..."  
  
Emma was the one to interrupt this time. "My phone's beeping, do you want to call back in five minutes?"  
  
"I can get off the line right now if you give me directions to this mall. I have some shopping to do, too."  
  
"Alright," she said and proceeded to give him a 15 second verbal map to the mall.  
  
"Thanks, I'll be there in a bit, stay in the food court."  
  
"I will," she promised. She ended the call with him and tried to switch to the incoming call. "Hello?" she asked to empty air. "Damn, just missed it." She checked the caller ID. '1 Missed Call: Manny Cell' "Oh well, I'll call her later. She'll understand."  
  
Emma stood up and brushed herself off a little. She checked her reflection in a window that she was sitting next to. She decided she could use a little more make-up to look better. She began to trek to the bathroom, but was interrupted when her male friend stopped directly in front of her. "Emma!" he said smiling.  
  
"Oh, hey," she answered. "I didn't expect you here for a few more minutes, um, I'm sorry I still don't know your name."  
  
"You don't? Oh, I must look like the biggest jackass. My name is Dean." Emma smiled wryly, feeling negative impulses at that name but not totally knowing why. "Where do you want to go?" he asked, breaking her train of thought.  
  
"Hmm? Oh, um, it totally doesn't matter. I was really just killing time around the city."  
  
"Well, I've been here plenty. This part of town, I mean. We could go get coffee or some dessert. What do you say, Emma?"  
  
She looked around suspiciously. "We can walk there, right?"  
  
He laughed. "I forgot that we just met. I hate to sound corny, but it seems as if I've known you for awhile. Yea, there's a coffee shop down the street, if that's fine."  
  
"Perfect," Emma said with a slightly bigger than usual grin spreading on her face. They started their short walk to the coffee house chattering like old friends. Emma condensed her life story into the Reader's Digest version while Dean listened intently. Emma started to talk about Snake and how scared she will always be, and Dean reached down and grabbed her hand. She looked up at him and shyly smiled before continuing her story.  
  
Halfway into their hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and coffee, black, Emma wrapped up her life story. She looked intently upon Dean. "So, what's your deal?" she asked.  
  
"What do you mean?" he questioned raising his eyebrows.  
  
"I mean, why were you at the courthouse today? What were you accused of doing?"  
  
"Oh, that. It was actually a rape trial," he said slowly, practically choking on every syllable.  
  
Emma did a double take, and if she had had any hot chocolate in her mouth, she would've spit it out. "What?"  
  
"Two girls accused me of rape."  
  
"Oh my God," she said slowly, trying to have it all make sense. "Oh my God, you raped Manny and Paige." 


	3. I Can Tell You’re Having Trouble Breathi...

A Stupid Worthless Boy  
  
Chapter 3: I Can Tell You're Having Trouble Breathing  
  
Emma didn't know what it was, but an invisible force kept her glued to the chair. She knew better than to sit and let Manny's rapist explain himself. She knew better, and, yet, memories of Sean kept her plastered. If she had given Sean a chance to explain himself, then maybe they wouldn't be where they were. Maybe things wouldn't have fucked themselves up. Maybe she would have someone there to really understand her.  
  
She locked eyes with Dean and an immeasurable wave of elation overcame her. She would never let that feeling go, not twice. "Did you do it?" she asked coolly.  
  
"I didn't rape Manny," he stated matter-of-factly. His expression softened. "When I was with Paige, I was so stupid, ya know? No, you wouldn't. Let me explain this. I saw Paige, and I had this reputation... None of this is a valid excuse. I hate the person that I once was. Okay, so I thought she was like all the other girls. There were no girls that dressed like that and acted like that who said no, right? That's honestly what I thought. When she said no, I thought it was just part of it. I didn't understand. Later, when I heard the song she made, I came to realize what I did. I couldn't face myself. I really couldn't. I hate what I did to her, but without that, I may never be how I am now. I love women. I have this amazing respect for them, and this all sounds cheesy, right? I can never help her get over that, but I don't think it should ruin the life I'm trying to build up now. I know the effects of rape; I'll never touch another woman again in that way. Does this all sound really shallow to you? I'm sorry."  
  
"Wow, so Manny lied to me," she finally said after a long pause, "and I'm sitting here having a conversation with Paige's rapist."  
  
"Emma, I don't feel like you'll ever have all of my trust, and that really sucks because I just met you and already I feel stronger for you than I've felt for anyone else in my life. You would have never trusted me if I hadn't told you, but I had to tell you; I couldn't lie. I'm not going to judge you because of your past, and I only wish you could be able to overlook my past. I know it's not easy; I know my own past is a collection of skeletons in my closet. I also know that I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, and if you don't give me a chance, you might be missing out on the most important love of your life."  
  
"You're right," she mumbled. "No, you're right. I just need time to think. I have a boyfriend and this entire life and you're going to come through and shatter all of this? Maybe I want you to shatter it, to break it like a bad luck mirror. I just don't know yet. This is all a bit much, as you can imagine."  
  
"Of course, you can have all the time in the world. You most likely have my number in your phone from when I called earlier. You can call me when you're ready. Please, just don't pass this up. You'd leave me heartbroken."  
  
"Heartbroken?" she asked with a smile.  
  
"Well, something very close to that." He smiled. "I'll be waiting for your call." He grabbed the check and headed to the cash register. She cradled her head in her hands and stared out the window. Her phone rang, but she ignored it. She didn't feel ready to talk to anyone.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
Emma walked into her house. It was past 8, but her parents didn't care because they thought she was with Chris, and therefore "protected." Anyways, they didn't have time to care about things like that. Not when Jack was screaming for food and Snake was crying out in anguish over the medical bills. Emma walked into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around Snake's shoulders. She had been feeling a constant need to touch him or be in some kind of physical contact so that she knew he was real. She feared for the worst everyday, and it was her little way of dealing with it.  
  
"How are you?" she whispered in his ear as to not wake Jack who was asleep in Spike's arms at the other end of the table.  
  
He smiled for an answer. Spike winked at her and tried to maneuver the bottle out of her arms and not wake up the baby. Emma quickly came to her rescue, and Spike looked up at her, relieved. Emma then went to the stove and turned off the burner that was housing a boiling pot. "Dinner?" she mouthed to her mom who nodded in reply. She looked at the pan and smiled slightly. It didn't look appetizing, but it was the best her mom could do.  
  
She grabbed a plate and had another silent dinner with her family. They weren't horrible, exactly, but she couldn't say she didn't anticipate their end. After clearing her plate, Emma silently made her way to her basement bedroom. She threw her phone on her dresser, ignoring the 4 missed calls. She changed out of her "courtroom" attire and into a pair of sweats and a tank top. She fell back on her bed and turned her CD player on low. Before she had a chance to get into the music, she heard a knock at her door. "Come in," she said in a loud whisper so it could be heard at the top of the stairs.  
  
She heard the door open and then footsteps. "Hey," her mom said as she took a seat on the edge of her daughter's bed.  
  
"Hey," Emma responded, turning the music down even lower.  
  
"How did the trial go?" Spike asked.  
  
"He got off," Emma answered truthfully.  
  
Spike gasped. "Oh sweetie, that's horrible. Why?"  
  
"I'm not really sure of the logistics, but Manny said she'd explain it all to me tonight when I called. Somebody planted evidence or something, it was all very confusing, and the judge just tossed the case out." Spike sighed again. Emma hoped she wouldn't ask anymore questions, since it had taken a lot of creativity to come up with that answer.  
  
"Well, you've had a long day, and so have I. We'll talk more tomorrow." Emma nodded. "Good night, sweetie." Spike kissed Emma on the forehead and started up the stairs. Before she was halfway up, she looked back down at her and smiled slightly. She could only wish for Emma's life to get a little better, for her sake.  
  
Emma turned the music back on as soon as her door clicked. She closed her eyes and let the words flow over her:  
  
"...and instantly I feel so complete, It hits me right about the time you kiss my cheek, And you give me this feeling, It's like no other feeling, But it knocks me off my feet.  
  
Please don't ask me what I like about you, 'Cause it's every little thing you do, And that's just the way you make me feel."  
  
The words hit her like a pound of bricks. She shot up in bed and grabbed her phone. She erased the missed calls without checking to see who they were and found the number on her phone. Her heart began to race faster and faster with every ring. The voice that answered sounded so happy to hear from her. "Emma!" he said excitedly.  
  
"Hey Chris," she said.  
  
"You never called me to meet up."  
  
"I know. I was sick this morning, so I never went. Did you hear what happened?"  
  
"Yea, did you?"  
  
"Oh, yea," Emma lied. "Chris," she said, not sure how to phrase it, "Chris, I consider you to be one of my best friends, you know that, right?"  
  
"Of course, Em," he answered.  
  
"Then please remember how hard this is for me. Chris, I think we should see other people."  
  
"What?" he screamed into the phone. She knew he would take it like this. "Why?"  
  
"I don't think it's fair to you to have to date me at this time when everything's so wrong. I'm just a stressed out drama queen, and I don't know when I'm going to snap. I want to do this now before I do something I really regret."  
  
"So you won't regret breaking my heart?"  
  
"Chris, come on. This isn't fair. You know how I feel, but I think for right now, we should just stick to best friends."  
  
"Nothing else?" he asked.  
  
"Not for right now, but later on, who knows?" she said optimistically.  
  
"Where did this come from, Em? I thought I was finally really happy with a girl. I thought you were happy, too."  
  
"I was, erm, I am happy with you Chris, but not with anything else in my life. I don't feel like I have enough time for my family."  
  
"It's not over, Em," he said. "I'm going to win you back."  
  
"Chris..." she protested.  
  
"Just watch, Em, you'll see how much better I can make your life," she heard and then a click.  
  
He's just upset right now, she tried to tell herself. He doesn't need me. He's better off without me. And then she called Dean.  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
Manny's eyes widened as Emma fell into the desk next to her. "Late night?" Manny asked her oldest friend.  
  
Emma raised her eyebrows. "I was sick yesterday." As if to prove her point, Emma gave a weak cough. "Sorry."  
  
Manny shook her head. "Well, you missed my life being ruined." Manny checked for sympathy in her friend's eyes before continuing. "Yea, they let him off. They were going on my rape kit, since Paige didn't take one since she didn't admit to it until months later, and our testimonies. Turns out because I also had sex with Craig, the rape kit didn't turn up any evidence against him. Without that, it was just he said/she said."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry Manny. That really sucks."  
  
Manny rolled her eyes. "Yea, it kind of does."  
  
The two friends sat in silence until Chris walked into their homeroom. Emma leaned onto Manny whispering, "hide me!" Manny looked up at Chris and saw the forlorn look and then looked back at her friend.  
  
"Emma, what did you do?" Manny asked.  
  
"We broke up."  
  
"No way!" Manny said, playfully hitting Emma. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"You had your own problems, remember?"  
  
"So it would be nice to get my mind off of them. What happened?" Manny prodded.  
  
"Yesterday was a really shitty day, and he couldn't leave me alone. So I told him, I said 'Chris, I need my space.' So, then we ended up getting in a huge fight. I don't know, we've been going out for what, three months? I still don't feel anything extremely special. Not like..." Emma realized what she was about to say and silently thanked the Lord that she hadn't finished the sentence.  
  
"Sean?" Manny offered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You said 'not like...' and you meant Sean, right? Not like Sean?" Manny asked.  
  
"Oh, well, I guess," Emma said, trying to play it off.  
  
"God, Em, when are you going to get over him?"  
  
"I know, I know," Emma said. "I'm trying my damndest. I just miss the butterflies. I didn't get butterflies with Chris. I think I deserve butterflies."  
  
Manny laughed at her friend. "You're right, Em, every girl deserves butterflies. Well, you know what they say: there's plenty of fish in the sea. I say we go fishing."  
  
"What about J.T.?" Emma asked playfully.  
  
"I'll be a good girlfriend, I promise," Manny said batting her eyelashes. The girls erupted in giggles.  
  
"Thanks Manny, but no thanks. I think I need a little break from the male drama right now. I need to focus on my family and my grades and the environment."  
  
"Oh, what a great Christmas list," Manny joked. Emma cracked a smile. "Whatever you say, Em."  
  
-.-.-.-  
  
Emma felt her phone vibrate against her foot in the middle of MI. She looked around to see if anyone else noticed that her purse was shaking violently, but, miraculously, no one did. She grabbed her purse and gave Simpson a weak excuse before running to the ladies' room. Her phone was done ringing by that point, but she checked the caller ID and saw that it was none other than Dean. Her Dean.  
  
She immediately called him back. "Emma," he said, and she could almost hear his smile. "What are you up to?"  
  
"Well, I'm in school."  
  
"Yea, I figured. I'm not."  
  
"Funny," she said giving the phone a look and then feeling really stupid after realizing that he couldn't see her. "Just because you're all old and stuff..."  
  
"Au contraire, my dear, I am not old. You are quite young."  
  
"Whatever," Emma said. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Sitting around, waiting for you to be done with school so I can see you again."  
  
Emma looked around the obviously deserted bathroom. "Who says you have to wait until school's over?" she said with a devilish accent.  
  
He laughed slightly. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."  
  
"I'll be waiting," she said back. After hanging up the phone, she knocked herself on the head. 'I'll be waiting?' she mouthed incredulously. Then, she started to laugh uncontrollably. She had only known him for two days, but she knew that this was the one. This one gave her the insane constantly flying around butterflies that make you a little bit nauseated. She knew how wrong it was, but sometimes, that doesn't matter when your heart tells you how right it really is. 


	4. It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day

A Stupid, Worthless Boy  
  
A/N: I found sudden inspiration in the story It's All in Your Mind . I loved her interpretation of Dean. There is seriously so much you can do that character, it's crazy. We as the viewing public know nothing except what he looks like, what school he goes to, and that he raped Paige. He's the stereotypical "bad" character, but I don't hate him. I never have.  
  
Chapter 4: It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day  
  
Paige Michalchuk felt her entire body go weak. She had suddenly regretted declining Hazel's invitation to walk home together. She barely registered another person with him. Some blonde, most likely Heather Sinclair. She felt like walking, but she wasn't sure which direction she wanted to go. She could walk towards him and threaten him again. She could also walk away and try to forget he was ever there.  
  
"It's too late, Spirit," she heard him whisper in her ear. "You're hooked." She whimpered out like a dog in pain, but no one was around to take notice.  
  
She saw the car begin to move slowly out of its parking space. It was heading towards her, but she remained stationary. "Move Paige, Get out of here!" a familiar voice screamed into her ear.  
  
She wanted the voices to stop, but they never did. She realized that he was going to see her any second, and she had to act fast. She turned back towards the school and sprinted. After falling into some brush, she decided that she would stay there until school let out and someone could be with her. She needed Spinner to protect her now more than ever.  
  
The voices kept talking in her ear. 'Why me?' she thought. 'Why must I be psycho?' The dirt gave her something soft to lay her head on, and for once, she didn't mind her hair getting dirty. She felt herself losing consciousness, but she refused to give up. 'If I just stay awake for a few more hours…'  
  
She awoke to someone screaming her name.  
  
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Dean Roberts walked into his dorm and flung his duffle on the bed. His roommate, Jack, had class during this time, and he was grateful for the solitude. He collapsed into the office chair and clicked on his laptop. As it was warming up, he pushed the chair over to his stereo and turned it on. His Death Cab for Cutie CD blared through the speakers at top volume as he checked his e-mail.  
  
The first one he opened was from his mom. He scanned it quickly.  
  
Dean-  
I'm sorry that I didn't believe you. I'm also sorry I couldn't make it to your hearing, but I'm glad that all went well. We're expecting you home Saturday for dinner with the family.  
Love always,  
Mom  
  
He chuckled. She hadn't talked to him in months. The invitation Saturday was his invitation back into the family. He considered it, but finally decided he would rather spend Saturday with Emma. The next e-mail was from his best friend in high school, Justin, who had moved just months prior to NYU to study drama.  
  
Heyya buddy!  
How's Canada? Still cold as a bitch? It's still decent here – hovering in the 60's. All the weathermen tell me to enjoy it while I can, before it gets blisteringly cold. Oh well, I'm Canadian, cold weather's part of who I am. The chicks here aren't Sex and the City-worthy, but then again, I'm not checking them out too much, if you know what I mean. I'm not adjusting as well as I'd hoped, spending most weekends with Ben and Jerry and a good Julia Stiles movie. It's still New York, though. Is all well with you? When are you going to come visit me? I miss you. I really hope to hear from you soon.  
-J  
  
Dean quickly hit reply.  
  
J,  
Life here is wonderful. I was cleared, if that's what you're asking. Mom's invited me back into the family, but I don't know if I'm ready to deal with their shit yet. I met a girl. Weird set of events, dude. I'll tell you about it when I come down, hopefully soon. Keep it real, and keep those NYC boys guessing.  
-Dean  
  
Dean chuckled at his final joke. Justin had been hinting for awhile about his sexuality. He never outright came out, but it was rather obvious. Dean had a passing thought about hooking him up with his roommate, Jack. If he remembered correctly, Jack was from somewhere close to the city himself. He went through a few more non-descript e-mails. He opened the most recent one from Claire, seeing if she had anything new to say.  
  
Hey baby doll,  
I haven't seen you around campus recently. I came by the other day, and your roommate told me you were out. Then I remembered it was the day of your trial and felt like a total bitch! How did it go? If you don't respond to this, I'll take it to mean the worst. :o( Well, things are rocky between Jason and I, so if you ever want to get together for some coffee, you know my number.  
Still missing you in the worst way,  
Claire  
  
Nope. Still trying to stalk him just as badly. He felt sorry for the girl, really. She was a total slut during their two year relationship, and it ended once and for all the night before he met Paige. Things with girls hadn't been the best for him. Claire was his first real girlfriend, and she was a cheating whore. He didn't know why he still persistently checked for her e-mails. She wanted him back. He wanted her gone.  
  
He didn't want to be excused from raping a girl, stealing her innocence. Paige Michalchuk was the first girl he had approached in two years at that point. He was so sex deprived; he would've humped a cow. He missed Spirit. He felt her at night, heard her whispering to him like angst ridden lovers between the sheets. After that night, she was his everything, although he didn't even see her for months. He spent his days working up the courage to find her and his nights getting drunk and trying to forget her.  
  
The day he found her, he was able to see depth in her for the first time. However, the depth was in the form of a song bashing him. He was forced to deal with, in most spectacular fashion, the school mascot and her new boyfriend attempting to attack him. When she confronted him, he felt fear for one of the few times in his life. She was giving him up for a kid who didn't even have a real name. She never gave him a chance.  
  
He was afraid Emma wouldn't either. He wouldn't lose this one. He had just met her, but wasn't that how it was with Spir-erm-Paige? He was tired of running from his past. He believed in second chances, why couldn't she? 


	5. Under the Covers, I'm Okay

A Stupid Worthless Boy

A/N: I don't know how, but people always end up having psychological breakdowns in my story. Sorry.

Chapter 5: Under the Covers, I'm Okay

Disclaimer: Many references to the song "Counting Stars" by Sugarcult. (The chapter title is lyrics from the song) Degrassi is owned by CTV and Epitome and all that.

Paige felt limp in Spinner's arms. "Thank God Hazel found you," he explained as he ran as fast as he could with a "broken" Paige. "How long were you out there?"

Paige's eyes darted nervously around the hallway. "Where are we?" she managed. It seemed like a dream. A very, very bad dream, but she still couldn't seem to wake herself.

"School, Paige, come on! Get with it."

Paige glanced over Spinner's shoulder and saw Hazel a few yards back. "Haze," she tried to yell, but it ended up a whisper.

"What is it, sweetie?" Hazel said, trying her hardest to keep up with the running Spinner.

"I saw Dean."

"Dean? Was he here? Where was he? Are you sure?"

Paige managed to nod. "He was..."

"Hazel, please!" Spinner interrupted. "She needs to save her strength."

"You're right, Spin. Paige, it's okay, we're here."

"You guys are my best friends," she said drowsily. She tilted her head against Spinner's shoulder, and her body gave in to sleep.

.:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:.

"Emma, are you alright? Snake said you left early today," Spike called down the stairs to her daughter's room.

"I'm fine, mom. Just a little upset stomach!" Emma called back.

"Alright, well, will you be up for dinner?"

"No, I think I'm just going to go back to sleep."

Spike sighed audibly. "Good night then," she said almost in a murmur.

Emma threw off the covers that she had added for effect in case her mom had come downstairs. She flopped her hair into a messy ponytail and quickly put on an old pair of jeans. She glanced at her appearance in the mirror and flinched. "I'm just leaving for a few minutes, it doesn't matter what I look like," she said aloud to her reflection.

She went to her window and crawled out, ignoring the fact that she was just getting herself even more dirty. She forced herself to put one foot in front of the other in no real semblance of direction. She knew if she continued on the road much longer, she would be by the school or, even worse, the Dot. She was just about to turn down a side street when she heard someone calling her name. Her head shot up to see who it was.

"Hey, um, Hazel," Emma said wearily. Hazel quickly fell in step with Emma, even though she had been traveling in an opposite direction.

"How are you? I barely see you in school anymore."

Emma raised her eyebrows. Anymore? At what point were her and Hazel Aden friends? She decided to let it slide, though. "I'm fine. I have a lot going on, so I took a walk to clear my head. What about you?"

Hazel seemed please to be asked this question. "Ohmigod, it was so horrible! I hadn't seen Paige since, like, fourth period, and I started to worry, but I just thought she got sick, ya know? But I'm walking outside, past all the trees in the courtyard, and there's Paige, lying in some dirt, totally passed out! So I freaked and found Spinner, and he ran her all the way to the nurse's office. Turns out, she leaves at 2, so then we had to call an ambulance to come get her! Emma it was so horrible! But here's the worst part- guess why she passed out!"

"I have no idea," Emma said truthfully.

"She saw Dean!" Emma's face began to flush. "We have absolutely no idea why he was at Degrassi! She just said that she saw Dean, and it must've triggered some horrible memory. Oh, Em," Hazel finished, half leaning on Emma for support.

Emma was still confused as to why Hazel was all of the sudden her best friend, but she decided to ignore it. Paige saw them. She must've seen Emma, too. Her secret was out. And, worst of all, it caused Paige to have some sort of nervous breakdown. She hung her head in defeat.

However, she realized, if Snake found out about her secret tomorrow, tonight might be her last night of freedom. She needed to ditch Hazel. "Ow!" Emma said, quickly grabbing her stomach. "Hazel- I know this is horrible timing, but I'm just getting the worst cramps. They were so bad earlier, I had to leave school. I'm sorry, but I better get home. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Oh, ok hon! I'm sorry. I'll bring you some Midol tomorrow," she said with a wink. Emma turned and started walking in the direction of her house, all the while plotting where the nearest bus station was.

.:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:. .:.

Dean laid back on his bed, letting the music flow over him. "Hey/I want to crawl out of my skin/Apologize for all my sins/All the things I should've said to you..." He heard a knock at his door and grudgingly went to it.

He looked through the eye piece, and then immediately flung the door open. "Emma!" he said, taking her in with a swipe of his arm. She pocketed the piece of paper he had given her earlier of the address of his dorm. "Have you been crying?" he asked, swiping the last tear she had forgotten to brush away herself.

"No," she said with the total look of a liar written all over her face in red splotches. "I mean, maybe."

"What's wrong?" Dean asked, grabbing her hand.

"This may be the last time I ever get to see you," she said with a sob.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I mean, Paige saw you. I think she saw me, too. If she did, she'll tell everyone, including my dad, and I'll be grounded and never, ever allowed to talk to you again."

"Oh," he whispered. "Paige saw me?"

"Yea," she said, sitting next to him on the bed. "What if this is it? I don't want this to be it."

He gathered her into his arms. "This isn't it. I promise."

"I wish I could believe you, but... everything's just going haywire."

He didn't know what to say. As much as he hated it, a part of him knew she was totally right. "Em, when I'm with you, I get this totally amazing feeling, like fucking love running through my veins, as corny as that sounds. I would never let anyone take that away. We'll manage. Please don't cry."

"There's one more thing," she said looking up at him. "My parents don't know I'm gone, and I was wondering, well, if you wanted, I could spend the night here."

"Emma," he said looking down at her. "Yes. Yes, of course. But if you don't want to do anything, I totally understand. Sex has a tendency to screw up relationships, and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me or anything."

She cocked her head to the side for a second. "No, Dean, if this is the last night I might be spending with you, that's exactly what I want to do."

He laid back on his bed, and she curled up next to him. He restarted the music on low so they wouldn't sit in silence. "Hey/I'll take this day by day by day/Under the covers, I'm okay, I guess/Life's too short and I feel small/Counting stars wishing I was okay/Crashing down was my biggest mistake/I never ever meant to hurt you/I only did what I had to do/Counting stars again..."


	6. So Much for My Happy Ending

A Stupid, Worthless Boy  
  
Chapter 6: So Much for My Happy Ending  
  
Emma took a deep breath and headed into Degrassi. She attempted, and succeeded a bit, to mentally brace herself for whatever her day was sure to bring. 'It's all alright, because I have something they'll never be able to take away. I have love. Real, true, honest fucking love. Even if I didn't want to express it fully. I'm in love. He's in love,' Emma thought to herself as she headed towards her locker.  
  
Manny was standing there waiting for her. Emma could only imagine the barrage of things Manny was sure to say. She mentally prepped with about 15 good excuses and pushed onward to her locker. "God Em, you look like shit," Manny finally said as Emma fiddled with her locker combination.  
  
"Thanks," Emma said sarcastically.  
  
Manny grabbed Emma's face and made her look at herself in the mirror. "Just trying to be a supportive friend here, hon," Manny said.  
  
"Since when do you say 'hon?' Are you now Manny Michalchuk?" Emma retorted, trying not to look at her disheveled appearance. It wasn't her fault that she didn't have time to shower since she didn't get home until 7 AM. Emma heard Manny make an offhanded comment about how Paige at least tries to look decent when she's in public, but Emma ignored it.  
  
"Well, except for today apparently..." Manny trailed off. Emma's head shot out of her locker, and that's when she saw her. Paige Michalchuk. As raggedy and sweatpants-clad as Emma was, Paige just looked broken. Hellish and awful. You aren't allowed to look like that when you're Paige Michalchuk. There's like, a rule about it in the Degrassi handbook or something.  
  
Paige looked lost without Spinner and Hazel by her side. In fact, she was very much alone. And since everyone at Degrassi had experience with watching Paige walk the halls, they all knew she never walked alone. Not if there was any way for her to avoid it.  
  
Emma decided to approach her. At best, she was just a caring classmate who Paige did not recognize as the girl with Dean. At worst, well, at least Emma knew what was coming her way. She quickly fell in stride with Paige, which was easy since Paige seemed to be meandering, and not walking, to class.  
  
Paige looked like she wanted to protest, except she didn't have the energy. "I heard," was all Emma needed to say. "How are you feeling?"  
  
Emma could only imagine the things Paige wanted to say. 'Of course, she's damaged beyond repair. She's been raped and torn, and I love her rapist. He didn't mean to, although those words would mean nothing to Paige. Nothing,' Emma thought.  
  
"I'm fine, Emma," Paige managed. "Can you just do me a favor?"  
  
Emma's heart pounded nervously. "Yes, anything."  
  
"Can you pick someone else to be your project this week? You can't understand the shit I'm dealing with." With this, Emma's pace slowed even slower than Paige's, and Paige walked away.  
  
'She doesn't know!' Emma was jubilant. 'She doesn't know that I was with Dean.'  
  
"You look excessively giddy, Em," Manny said as she took her seat in Bio.  
  
"Big words, Manny," Emma said with a smile.  
  
"'Giddy' is a vocab word. I pulled 'excessively' out of my ass." The two girls giggled.  
  
"Manny, Emma, please," Ms. Hatzilakos chastised.  
  
"Sorry," the girls mumbled in unison. She returned to her lesson plan.  
  
"So, my mom is being really cool and taking me into town Saturday to help me forget that someone raped me and got away with it." Emma rolled her eyes, but Manny didn't notice. "Want to come?"  
  
Emma thought quickly for a suitable excuse. "Sorry, I can't..."  
  
"Why not?" Manny shot back.  
  
"I have, urm, something to do."  
  
Manny's attention was peaked. She quickly glanced around the room. "If you're hanging out with Chris again, you can tell me. This is the stuff you need to tell me."  
  
Emma held her breath. "Okay," she said letting it out. "It's not Chris."  
  
Manny squealed. "Oh my gosh, Em, you have to tell me. Right now!"  
  
"Ladies," Ms. Hatzilakos said sternly. They ignored her.  
  
"I will tell you all about him after school," Emma said, suddenly taking copious notes. What a mistake to tell Manny. What a horrible thought.  
  
"Just tell me his name! Is it Craig? Em, I don't know if I..."  
  
"Manny, calm down," Emma interrupted. "It's not Craig, I can tell you that much."  
  
"Is it Sean again?"  
  
"Never."  
  
"Is it someone with a girlfriend? Is it Spinner?"  
  
Emma was seriously annoyed. "He doesn't go to this school, and he doesn't have a girlfriend, that's all I'm saying."  
  
"Emma and Manny, I'm sorry, but I have to give you ladies detention. Now SHUT UP!" Ms. Hatzilakos said from the front of the room. The two girls did immediately as they were told.  
  
Ms. Suave didn't even attempt to hide her shock. "Paige, are you sure it wasn't someone else? I can't imagine why he would be on school grounds."  
  
"To see me," she said through gritted teeth. "He needs to take revenge."  
  
"Revenge on what? He's the one who hurt you, Paige."  
  
"Well, I took him to court."  
  
"I'm sorry, honey," Ms. Suave said, taking Paige's hand, "but you didn't win. It's not like he was terribly inconvienced. Can you think of any other reason he would be here?"  
  
Paige looked up at her and nodded. "He was with a blonde girl. I don't know for certain who it is, but I'm Paige Michalchuk." Her voice suddenly grew in confidence. "I can find out."  
  
"I'm not sure that's so smart. Not only for you, but I don't doubt that you could find out who it was. And when you do, what are you going to do to her? Maybe she doesn't even know of your past with him."  
  
"She has to know. The whole school knows," Paige said bitingly.  
  
Ms. Suave ignored her tone. "I can't stop you from talking to your peers, and this topic may come up in conversation. All I can do is suggest strongly that you leave this alone for a little while. And if you do find out, Paige, tell me first. Don't even talk to her to ask her about it. Come here first."  
  
"Okay, okay," Paige said grabbing her jacket off the back of the chair. "I'll come here first. But, what are you going to do to her?"  
  
"We'll figure that out when you find out who this girl is." 


End file.
